Well, it has been almost 16 months since my first and last post. I’m still at the first and last village in the West of England, it is still an amazingly beautiful place to live, with many truly nice and inspiring people around. Yet, it hasn’t been without a recurring blot on our landscape. Lately it has started to spread yet again, and I have made a decision to break the mould of choosing to keep it to ourselves and try and sort things without sharing what we are going through. I will explain in the next post how I came to this point, but for now, I just wanted to introduce the subject matter and make myself open the series to break through resistance quite honestly, or I risk putting things off again and only fill another dozen of pages of diary a day in frustration instead!
Although I’m writing this while listening to a podcast of the Company of Burning Hearts and drinking fully of the joy and love of the Lord and being restored in His rest, there is still a place for writing the less joyful and seemingly not all so loving “Out in the open” pieces, as we experienced behaviours unleashed towards us that were wholly unjustified, undeserved and unceasing. We had entered the unchartered territory of extreme personality disorders, or rather we had our family unit and home gate-crashed by one who was to become obsessively fixated on us and quite frankly parasitic in nature. Our eldest came back to live with us six months after the individual moved next door to us, and on witnessing her behaviours, mentioned borderline disorder (he has background in psychology and had hands-on experience in his line of work too). I can say now that a significant part of it is closer to the narcissistic disorderly kind, devoid of any empathy and ruthless in vindictiveness and the use of negative advocates who are taken by the acting out the victim , which seems to be second nature and a well practised mechanism. I am saying all this, although it really isn’t my usual style of just venting off in public posts, because I found great comfort (in not being alone with the exact same experience) and help from reading similar posts from other blogs and forums. There is value in saying ” This is the rubbish I’m living through at the moment (even if I pray and worship and know God daily, but it’s also affecting our peace and joy and daily lives) and there is no grid for me to address this violation of our lives, because there’s no normality, no sense, no logic, to hold onto towards a point of resolution”.
The use of negative advocates, especially from old drinking circles from years back, means the issue has spread to a group ( a mob rather) of locals who similarly don’t see right from wrong either, just the satisfaction from hurting another. The whole thing is quite sick really. But I am also writing poetry and prose pieces about various incidents. In the days of ‘catharcticism”, what came through prayer as my “Silver Bullets” was my tool to use my writing to heal bit by bit, line by line, describing events for what they really are, and how things should have been, sort of thing. I shall post those separately. I am sure the posts will flow better after a while, but bear with me!
I’ll stop here, but my next post will be on the arrival of our new neighbour and what we were confronted with.
We always had good neighbours, most of them we are still in touch with, even after moving from East to West, so until now I have been struggling inwardly wit not being able to reconcile how it shoud be with a neighbour, the issue of Love and that of Justice. But today at last, I have come to a place of clarity of spirit and of mind, hence the being able to finally write about it without burden.
The purpose of these posts, apart from the obvious healing process for me, are to give an account of the reality of what it is like to be seemingly the sole focus of one with NPD having also reached an age when they do not accept any accountability or any acknowledgment of wrongful behaviours, when you become the object of blame for absolutely every negative thing that comes their way. The extreme frustrations on hearing lies about your family that lead to a full-on smear campaign, and the even more frustrating aspect of seeing others buying into them and not seeing what we see behind the scenes. The injustice felt after we held our tongues and didn’t share what we were going through, only to find fabricated stories about us had been rampant all that time, and in a small village, it is not a good thing…
Another purpose is to clarify the need for restorative justice for the victims, the genuine ones. And the vital need not to suffer in silence, because that’s fatal and that’s to a large extent why one gets targetted, because they have moral values, and branching from that often, is a reluctance to enter into conflict if it can be helped, hoping the other person will calm down and finally loose interest and let go. There is a tendency often from outsiders to push forward excuses for the abnormal behaviours in view of possible early wounds etc but there is by contrast an all too regular absence of acknowledgement that there IS wrondoing and hurting of others, regardless of roots or reasons, and that it is wrong for a community to let it carry on at the expense of the targets of harassment. One lady on her own can launch quite vicious attacks on a family of four, it is wrong to assume the latter must be the ones that came on too strong in the first place. Apologies are seldom required these days; when the offenders decide they’ll stop because either they are heading for trouble or they are just in a good mood for a few days, we should all count our blessings and move on with them, it’s another day sort of thing, no ill feelings and all that? Well….no. That should never be an acceptable resolution. In fact there is no resolution in that. At all. If the purpose here is restorative, the offending party has to come to the conclusion they have been out of order (literally), and need to restore their own order within and without, and not create chaos in people’s lives nor affect their well-being in such serious ways. They need to state what they are NOT going to continue doing; it can be in positive statements like I will refrain from spreading lies about you, or opening the door ajar and openly spy on you each time I hear you come out of your front door or read a book on your bench etc. No acceptance that wrong has occurred, no apology, no decision to change for the better, no steps of restitution if applicable, no restoration of good order within the offender’s inner world, or of peace and rest in the victim’s life, or in the environment that suffered chaos, no resolution, in spite of forgiveness. Period.